The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
