paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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