Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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