and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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