he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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