I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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