I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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