the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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