There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
