White coat. Heels.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
