I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
