i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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