i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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