Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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