i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
