I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize