i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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