Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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