You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We talked him into tasing himself.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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