This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
