I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
