i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
