just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
