I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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