I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
