If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
