On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize