my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
