Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
