I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
