I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
