just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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