saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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