Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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