Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
