Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
