At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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