why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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