i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
