I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
My balls are so social today.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
