yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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