my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
