she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
