There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
ok first of all what the fuck
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
