I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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