I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize