Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We left the knife in your bed.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
