I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
