We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
This is my gift to your gina
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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