i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
