how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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