12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
