My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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