I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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