i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
