I seem to have left my pride at pride
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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