I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize