Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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