Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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