names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
