if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
