Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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